tip toe, silent wooly sock steps

peeking through a creaky doorway

into the fairy dust captured 

in the sun pouring into the room,

there i was

and here i am again,

still the same, but way different.

a decade and still reaching for the 

same stars. 

-t

(10 years later)

under construction...

last year around this time i created a vision board for the first time, set my intentions with a prayer and a promise. at that time i'd figured fall was a good time to plant the seeds for change.

come the fall, summer's efforts take a final bow in blazing glories of color. the big show before the earth takes its winters rest. on top the earth sleeps, but below life continues to happen. roots soak up nutrients, gain strength for the big "come back" in the spring.

i look at fall as my true "new year." a time to hunker down, go within, clean my spiritual, mental and physical house and make way for something new.

last fall, on the eve of the autumnal equinox i went to work and set my intentions on my board. i placed the board on the wall in my kitchen, the room i frequent mostly in my home. i'd like to think that it inspires others as well as me. it was neat seeing family friends stop and read my little note cards and gaze at the photos placed here and there around the board. and i think that for me it added to accountability factor - these people who mean the world to me reading my hopes, plans and dreams for the year ahead.

i'm a little late this year in getting my board up. i've been working on my list though. for months i've been working on it. this year i'll be focusing more on health, wellness, self improvement. stillness. peace. developing a deeper spiritual life. and keeping promises to myself about writing, creating, resting. i'm going to post my list here, on my blog. and my journey. blog and life: under construction and transformation.

this morning i read something that stuck with me all day, really hitting a mark. it was about the butterfly. these days those fluttery, gorgeous little insects are so overdone. everyone loves butterflies. but probably everyone always did. now they're just "gone commercial." anyhow, the piece that i read reflected on how when the caterpillar goes from chrysalis to butterfly it's an incredibly painful experience. for the butterfly, stretching out of that cocoon/chrysalis and moving those wings really hurts! but look at what happens...from little caterpillar to cocoon and then to butterfly, the beautiful transformation. ah...inspiration!

i know what i need to change in my life. i know some of it won't necessarily be pleasant and sometimes might hurt. but in order to make the transformation my heart so desires, there isn't any other way. it's so worth it though.

i have a big week ahead. catering a wedding for the first time with my sister this weekend. nervous? you betcha. but when the dust settles on this big event i'm putting my vision board, and my life wishes on the front burner. my new vision board will be up within the next two weeks. before that happens i'll reevaluate my lists, add or subtract where need be. i can't wait. but the excitement, the change, the commitment starts here, now.

no time like the present to begin to live the life we're destined to live, no? no time like the present to give ourselves the best gift ever - attention. personal housekeeping.

ever transforming, always desiring to reach...

t.

a simple request...

a simple request. cold milk. peaches. it was the last two things i heard my dad ask for. cold milk. peaches. on his death bed, in his last days, that's what he asked for. not on the same day. on different days, close between, during his last week of life. not i wish i'd scaled the himalayas. not i'm so sad i never went to maui. not i wish i wish i'd made more money or gone more places or had more stuff. nada. just cold milk. peaches.

i bought peaches a few days ago. couldn't pass them up on my trip to the market. they called me as i walked by. PEACHES. bought cold milk that day too. bought the stuff that dad asked for during his last 4 days or so. not without hardly a thought though. just bought them. i guess i could say that's "peaches and milk" in itself, no? being able to just do that?

as i've made my way through the "stages of grief" over the past year, cold milk and peaches reverberated through my mind. not the actual peach or the glass of milk, but the simple request. the "simple" of it. because through my dad i learned that that's what it all boils down to...the simple things.

the fan blowing my hair around as i write tonight, the feel of the cool air about me. looking over and seeing my husband snoozing on the sofa, the overwhelming love i have for him. an email exchange with friends today, the lifelong kind, that had me in stitches at my desk (sorry eliz, yes, between writing newsletter text i was planning that camping trip that you're going to cover for me for at the library), getting in my silly little car and laughing my ass off at how happy i am for this little new to me dream. listening to my xm station (it came with the little car) music from the 1940's which is the music of my life, coming home, watering flowers, petting the cat, reading a good book. peaches and milk, that's what it is, my life...the day to day - peaches and milk.

from here on, when life is the total shit (which thanks be to god, my life pretty much is) i'm just going to say "peaches and milk!" awesome, wow, holy crap, this is the shiznitz begone, it's now "peaches and milk!!" in memory of my dad. and how that's who he was, a man of simple pleasures, a man of family, a calm and gentle man if ever there was one.

peaches and milk...dad, that's what you were. you were the sun and the moon and everything strong and safe to me. i can't believe...i cry at the cold reality that it's been a whole big wide year since i've seen you. but i guess that's not entirely true, as i've seen you in the forest preserve when i go for my morning walk. i see you in ella's face when she says "i miss my pop pop." i see you in my sister's eyes for oh, how she so looks like you. i see you in the night sky, ever more so this summer as the crickets and cicadas sing their zizzy little songs of love. i see you, i feel your love wrap around me in the twist of the summer breeze.

a year. 365 days to say "this is the first" this or that without you here. but you have been, here. and those words, probably your best lesson taught yet - peaches...cold milk. the simple stuff. a summer night. my son upstairs safe and sound. my stephanie, healthy...vital, celebrating her 13th wedding anniversary this night. my lindsey, calling me to ask if she can order me a few good bottles of wine....everything i'll ever need is as simple as peaches and milk - it's all right here beside me. my family. just like my dad, it's all i need...not the fancy stuff, just this.

been away from this writing place for a long time,

but all the same,

wishing you

peaches, lots of fresh sweet summer peaches

and a tall glass of icy cold milk...

-t.

p.s. thanks to katie for the nudge. i'm not a fancy writer, but i do so love the craft.

photo: my daddy with ella. he never said so, but i just know she was his favorite:)

special gift, special friend...

i can't wait to share...

this is one of the birthday gifts

i created for my darling nancy -

sister of my heart & too far away friend.

her birthday was a bit over a week ago, so...

BELATED HAPPY BLOGGY BIRTHDAY NANS!

for my nans i knew that not just any gift would do.

i wanted to make her something special,

as she is so very special to me.

so along with a hefty supply of my homemade granola
(which nans refers to as her "comfort food")

and a week's worth of crocheted dish cloths

(a casual hint before christmas -

"what i could really use are some of those crocheted dish cloths!"

see nans? i didn't forget; i just hope they stay together!)

i created a set of jewelry, especially for her...

i've long wanted to play around with the fun vintage

collections of findings, charms and such

that i've spied in the craft stores,

on etsy, and pretty much everywhere.

so on a rainy/snowy saturday morning a few weeks back

i went in search of the perfect pieces to create

a one of a kind gift for a

one of a kind friend.

it was such fun matching pieces i already had
along with treasures i found at the store.
i was in heaven that afternoon in my craft room...
at my work table, thinking of this dear friend,
working on these fun pieces, an audio book
spinning a story for me in the background
(the widower's tale by julia glass - excellent story).

i was thrilled with how the necklace
and matching earrings turned out.

the charms are not without their meaning...
the heart represents our relationship.
we are, indeed, sisters of the heart,
and the bird represents flight;
flight as in although my nans is far away
this is to remind her of how i look forward
to the time when she will again "fly away home"
to me, to her book club gals,
all of us who miss her and can't wait for the
time when we're together again.

i adore the corner of my house that's left just for me,
a bedroom left vacant by daughter #2.
it's mine now and i love it.
and i simply love the possibility
of the things yet to create.
when i take time, make time
to let my imagination take flight.
and what better inspiration
than a gift for a friend
who is, in turn, a gift to me.

happy weekend...
-t.

on shamrocks and the color green...

funny, isn't it, how on st. paddy's day we all feel a bit luckier wearing a bit of the green? there's not an irish bone in my body, but i feel it too - a touch of luck for me courtesy of the tiny green crystals that accompany the silver shamrock accessorizing my otherwise blah all black outfit today. i wear the necklace in honor of my gram - elizabeth shirley mccauley milanich. does a name get any more irish than that? well, except for the milanich part, which is serbian and courtesy of my gramps.

my gram was as irish as the day is long. red hair with a gorgeous natural curl, deep blue eyes, and a smattering of freckles that made her only that much more lovely. beautiful, really. because of my gram, i can't get through a rendition of "danny boy" or "when irish eyes are smiling" without a good cry. for my gram was that - a true irish rose with eyes that smiled like no other.

i've a few facts to share today on the wearing of the green...legend has it that the custom was born with the color of the shamrock. st. patrick himself was said to have used the leaves of the shamrock to teach about the trinity - the stem representing one divine nature and the green leaves are the three persons which comprise that nature; father, son and holy spirit. i like that idea, what it symbolizes.

another explanation for the wearing of green on st. paddy's day dates back to the 18th century. the irish were said to have worn green in an attempt to remain invisible to leprechauns. i guess the story goes that the little guys were color blind when it came to green. leprechauns had the stinky little reputation for pinching people, did you know that? me either. but if you wear green, they can't see you, therefore they can't pinch you:)

on the flip side, some folks say that the green is actually thought to be the leprechauns favorite color, therefore considered to be an unlucky color in ireland. an irish bride would never be caught wearing a stitch of green on her wedding day!

so there you have it. i guess either way - whether you're wearing green or not - beware of the pinch of the leprechaun. ha! with that, on this gorgeous st. paddy's day in chicagoland (where temps are expected to be in the mid 60's), i leave you with, what else?, an irish blessing...

may your blessings outnumber

the shamrocks that grow

and may trouble avoid you

wherever you go

wishing you the luck of the irish,

-t.

p.s. corned beef, cabbage and a hearty loaf of rye are what's for dinner tonight.

i can't wait!

notes on lent and the blessing of a good friend...

there's nothing quite like a having a friend that you can share your faith with. someone to discuss the wide open range of heavenly things and how they apply daily to our lives here on earth. i'm lucky enough to have such a friend. her name is carolyn and if i had a dollar for each time i've said to her "i'm so glad we met," well...i'd have enough for a plane to ticket to somewhere, that's for sure.

we met over a shared sandwich. well, we weren't sharing the same sandwich actually. we weren't even sharing the same table. i was sitting with a few friends and carolyn was at the table next to me. i happened to notice that carolyn was eating the same sandwich as i was - a "to this day memorably delicious" panini with warm, savory goat cheese, apricot preserves and almonds tucked inside. i've yet to recreate this sandwich, but it's on my list, none the less.

at a break in the conversation at my table i leaned over and said to this stranger, "isn't that the most delicious sandwich ever?" she started with a laugh (which has since become music to my ears) and whole heartedly agreed with me. that gave opening for carolyn to ask me about the conversation we'd been having - books, book clubs, etc. her best friend having just moved out of state and across the county, carolyn was in particular need of the company of friends - a group to become a part of, and had also had a long expressed interest in becoming a part of a book club.

not one to leave anyone on the sidelines of life, i eagerly invited carolyn to join us for book club and long story long, she's been a part ever since. not part of just one book club, but of all three that i lead at the library. i'm happy to say that in the time since, we've become dear friends as well. friends who share interests, hobbies and above all else, a strong and abiding faith.

last christmas we became "advent buddies." carolyn found a little booklet of daily scripture readings and devotions which led us through a month long celebration of the season of advent. the shared experience lent a much deeper meaning to christmas for me. i truly needed that, the "more" part, as it was the first christmas where my dad would be watching it all from heaven.

since then, and in the weeks leading up to lent, carolyn and i both agreed that we'd like to progress from "advent buddies" to "lent partners." again we went in search of a method of study, a booklet to guide the way. find one we did, and we are now on our individual yet together subsequent lenten journeys. we haven't discussed the "what we're giving up" part of lent, not on purpose but pretty much because it just hasn't come up. and that's not what's most important, i think, about lent. people get so hung up on that part and fail to dig deeper into the true meaning of repentance, of giving up, of letting go.

turning away from, confessing, admitting to things which cause us to stumble. things which hide our true nature, and in turn cause us to hide from god. and to have a season in which to come clean - repent, be renewed - isn't that the greatest gift? to sacrifice, to be made new, to draw ever closer to a loving god that gave everything he could possibly give - what more could i ever ask for? nothing. absolutely nothing. my life is a gift. and carolyn is a gift, a friend to share my faith with. a friend to ponder life's ultimate questions with. who is honest, loving and of such integrity. and her laugh, heavens...her laugh. if only you could hear.

on that day, at the restaurant, i opened up to a stranger. not an accident. there are no accidents where god is concerned. and through opening up myself to carolyn, god has opened himself up to me in a way i've never experienced. through advent, through lent, through ways yet unknown to me. and through the musical laughter of a good friend.

his ways are marvelous, they are mysterious, they are perfect in every sense. and they are right for me. for that i live my life as a prayer, in gratitude.

his love,

his peace,

may they be your's...

-t.

photo: early pre-spring morning in the forest preserve:)

Lost in thoughts of you...

today i wish there was a place i go could
where i would see you
your gentle, loving, father face
not like the last time i saw you
but maybe a month before that
when you were in the car, ready to go
and we were talking, even though mom
had the car running and exhaust fumes
clouded our conversation
i can remember how your face looked
in conversation with me
and after you left, i’d wished i’d taken
that conversation more seriously.
‘cuz i had a feeling about that conversation,
that day, seeing you enjoy your family,
playing with tyler and ella
oh, the look on your face that day
the next time i saw you there was worry
mixed with pain and exhaustion
but even still, on that day,
we had a little bit of conversation and
i cooked for you and you said
“honey, this is so good”
i guess that’s my fear, dad, that i will forget...
your face, your loving eyes
and the gentle sound of your voice.
for just one moment,
i just wish i could hear your voice again.
for this moment, in my desire to see you
i look up.
my eyes fixed on heaven.
my worry abates.
the sound of your voice fills my mind.
music, to my ears.
“there’s a new dawn for me”
you told me and i know
you’re home, but you’re here too,
watching me, listening, guiding even still.
and today, like so many days since you’ve been gone,
i want you to hear me say,
i love you dad.
like my heavenly father is with me,
i will never let you go.

-t.

this post went right from heart and onto the page - no editing, which probably shows -

but sometimes i think we need to do that. just let it spill. say the words. feel the emotion.

today i do, feel a lot of emotion, and this is my healing.

January writing promp..."I used to think..."

When I was young, I used to think that I had the power to compel people to change. I thought that if I loved hard enough, believed enough and prayed my guts out I’d have the ability to make change happen. In addition, my immaturity had me believing that change was easily rendered. I gave so little concrete regard to change in its true context, treating it as little more than a word, a wish, a prayer – change for myself and change in others.

I’ve grown though and always, isn’t life the best teacher? Similarly, through intense study and discussion (with my amazing women’s group), I’ve come to appreciate the true essence of change. I’ve gained insight into the fact that change and the power to do so resides only in the individual. No amount of wishing, hoping, “gently” manipulating or controlling will bring about change in another.

These days I find that I’m reminding myself often that the only one I have the power to change or to control is me. Expecting anything more than that is futile – wasted energy, wasted time. When it comes to dealing with the expectations of new outcomes, I look right in the mirror. And in dealing with people in my life that I have a difficult time with, that’s were I begin. That’s where I go – inside myself, with keen awareness that although I can’t change situations or the behaviors of others, I do have that control in how I react.

Transformation is impossible when applied to things which are out of my control, but when I apply it to me, transformation, change, is limitless. Sounds simple, but from a gal who has been known to be a bit of a control freak for the better part of her life, it’s not, hardly. But in identifying and understanding my lack of control regarding others I have found such peace. Likewise I’m finding that the change I was so hoping for tends to happen by osmosis – either I see things more clearly, or in a different way, or I remove myself from the situation or the individual I’m at odds with. And too I tend to give things to God and let him pick up where I leave off in frustration.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Ghandi’s quote dances ‘round my mind often. It’s not an easy practice, but with practice I’ve experienced an enormous sense of liberation - liberation from worrying about things and people I can’t fix – liberation from worrying about things and people that aren’t my business to fix. These days I’m minding my own business. Being the best that I can be and just letting go. I’d like to think I’ve become a better person for it – a better wife, mother, sister, and friend. I love, I pray, I let go and I let God. And you know what? In the end things work out exactly the way they were meant to be without any help from me.

Change is good, change is real.

Change happens when we're willing to do the work.

On ourselves, that is.

striving to do better, everyday...

-t.

although i've been quiet on the blogging front, as always, i think about writing. and when i think about writing, i think about writing as an inspiration. to me. to whomever reads me. i'm over my head with inspiration as this new year breezes in. inspired to be better, do better. in 24 hour increments. not take the whole "resolution" gig 20 pounds at a time, or 3 closets (of organization) at a time. but just day by day. some days i'll celebrate a bit more success, and other days not so much. but i won't beat myself up over it.

i know what i want for myself, and i intend to have it. my buzz word for the promises i've made to myself is "nonnegotiable." nonnegotiable as in, that's the deal - no excuses - you can't go back on the intentions you've set. i just keep thinking about that word, and the impact its had on me. nonnegotiable. this is it. i am so worthy of the agreements i've made with myself. you are too.

i get shivery happy at the promise of the dawn - 24 hours of new possibilities. 1,440 precious minutes to live in the moment. make positive choices for myself. to love. to smile. to be happy. to rejoice and give thanks. and to work, to go in the direction of my intentions.

my huz said it again just the other day when we were out walking - "i can always count on you to put a positive spin on things." that's me, as best i can i'm pretty positive. and i'm positive about the promises i've made to myself. the intentions i've set for myself in this new year. with each new day i'm positive that i'll keep those promises.

how are you doing with your promises? have you given up on yourself? don't. you deserve to live the life of your dreams. just take it a day at a time, and realize how lovely you are and how you so deserve your heart's desire. no matter what it is, if it's for you, then it's worth working for.

woo, heavy for just being back on the page. this is one of the things i want to do better at too. daily blogging. always, i'm all the better for it when i do.

wishing you lovely things

today and all the year through

one day at a time:)

-t.

Library closed...

I'm really excited about heading off to work today. Wait...I'm pretty much excited about that EVERY day - but, well...today's different. Today our director is conducting a staff institute day. A day set aside for training, updating, etc. And quite frankly it's pretty much my favorite work day of the year.

You see, I work with the best group of people. Honestly, the staff at my library are some of the most interesting people I know. They're people I really like to be with. Sound weird, uncommon, when one's referring to their co-workers? Maybe so, but for me this is just one more blessing in my life.

My husband was telling me last night that the company he works for is concerned about the rapid rate of employee "turn around." People come, people go - and quickly. Not so where I work. People come, people stay. And for a LONG time. One of my co-workers was telling me yesterday that with the stress in her life at home she couldn't imagine not having the library to go to each day. Can you imagine?

What's the secret? People. People coming together in a place where they have common interests - books, music, films, information, knowledge. Libraries are the coolest places around. And we're so lucky - in our library we even have a place for everyone. Teens, adults, kids - goodness, our children's department is the most kid friendly place ever. My kids are grown and on their own now but when they were little, even though we lived in the district of another "award winning" library down the street, I ALWAYS brought my kids to Wauconda Library. It's the best.

When it comes to people, I also mean the people who walk through the doors each day - our patrons. Neat people, honestly. We're lucky too that our little community totally embraces and really USES the library. The place is like Grand Central Station pretty much most of the time. A local organization recently did a survey in our community; neighbors were asked to name the spot where they go for recreation and fun. Guess what everyone's favorite was? You got it - the LIBRARY!! Imagine that, a building that holds books, and SO much more.

The schedule for today is a visit to the new Fox Lake Library. We'll meet their staff, have a tour, and scour their collection. It's so good to have an opportunity to do this - travel outside our own front door and see how someone else does it. Compare and contrast, so to speak. I'm pretty excited to see this new library and happy too for the citizens of Fox Lake. They were long overdue for an updated library.

After the library visit we're having a staff lunch. And can I tell you how fun it is to sit and dish with the people I work with? We're a family, that's the way I see it. The afternoon will be spent at our own library, and it's always weird to be there sans patrons. Strange, really. We'll be doing staff training, listening to speakers, etc. The day will end with a "state of the library" address by our director. I always look forward to this too. He'll speak on where we've been, where we're going, and how we can better serve our community.

Do I sound like a dork, being so happy and excited for this day of bibliotecha bliss? Probably. I've been a library geek my whole life long and it's served me well. Books, books and more books. Another form of heaven entirely.

Books do a brain good.

Try a book today:)

Luv,

-t.

Heaven is a place...

When the cold chill pain of losing my dad sets in, I immediately work to re-route my thoughts. Sometimes it's easy, sometimes not. There are times when only tears will do to wash away the sadness of his last days. At least this was how I had been thinking until it dawned on me today (as I sat working away my desk, Pandora radio plugged in to classic Christmas music) that I should be happy. Celebrating actually, for my Dad. This is his first Christmas in Heaven!

All along, while he was so sick and slipping away from us day by day, I leaned on my faith. I spent hours praying over my dad - for God to take him home. With dad, as his witness as he yet again recommitted his heart to Jesus. I know beyond the farthest shadow of a doubt that my Dad's in heaven.

In the grips of losing someone we love, it's easy to rest on the mere "notion" of Heaven. It gives us comfort to think, imagine a better place where our loved ones will be welcomed home and be set free from suffering and illness. But in reality, do we really "believe" in heaven? Why only rest on Heaven's promise at the most crucial moments?

In mourning my Dad, missing him and feeling bad that he's not here with me, I'm going to focus on where he is IS - Heaven. How could I possibly be sad for him when I know (as a child of God) the promise of Heaven and eternal life?

He's there, my Dad's there - in Heaven, at the most precious time of the calendar year. The most celebrated time in Heaven. Christ's birth. He's there for the party! And that's what this daughter is going to focus on in the days to come - my Dad, truly in heaven. Gosh, can you imagine?? Yay Dad! Yay God, for His mercy. His grace. For the promise of the cross. And for Heaven...free to all who believe. And my Dad did. I was his witness. That was his final gift to me, and the best one he ever gave.

Celebrate today, but don't forget to plan for tomorrow.

Blessings,

-t.

Color me a bad blogger. I say that because I recently read on another blog that “a good blogger blogs everyday.” So I guess that makes me a bad blogger. That also makes me guilty of wanting to do so many things, far more than I have time for in a day. And I’m sure that also places me in good company.

The company of you, the company of us. Sisters with a full plate. The alarm clock in the morning sounding off like a pop gun at the starting line of a race. If we listen closely we can imagine a voice from a make-believe press booth yelling out over a crackly PA system, “Annnnddddd she’s off!!” And we are, off and running. Our day a race, the finish line too far in the distance to be visible.

Breakfasts, lunches, work, exercise, jobs, dinners, dishes, laundry, home care, childcare (though not for me, I’m past that but I am happily committed to helping with my Grand Beans whenever I can). Our to-do list agendas for one day could easily fill two or more! Where to find time to be creative? To write, stitch, photograph, scrap, paint, daydream, sing, dance...?

In the little moments, the times in between. We just have to seek, find, and sometimes create that time. It’s so important, vital to who we are and who we’ve yet to become. Time to read. To sit and crochet. To make bread (yep, I’m a crazy bread maker. I cringe when I have to resort to buying it – all this thanks to that “Artisan Bread in 5 minutes a Day" book I’ve been telling you about).

Not only do we have to create time for ourselves, but also we need to make it a priority. Because all work and no play can leave us feeling flat. Uninspired. I hate feeling that way.

I’ve taken to traveling with my crochet bag, wherever I might go. I make no apology for crocheting at family gatherings or in groups of people. When I’m sitting among people I take out my hook and yarn and stitch away, delighting (and participating too) in the conversation around me. I find the act of working with my hands while being stimulated by the talk of kindred spirits which surroudn me to be blessedly gratifying, heaven almost. I can’t think of a better way to totally relax and be at peace.

I seek time for lots of little hobbies – jewelry making, creating art journals (with decoupage – it’s really fun!), crocheting, creative writing, doing a little stitching here and there. And my number one hobby – cooking. I usually have time for that one as one must eat, you know? But I seek to make time for the other things too. I want to be better about that. It’s my play time. I need it. You do too.

Whew...long winded on this delightfully gray (contradiction I know, but I love rainy days) Wednesday afternoon . But it was fun, using my “break time” for “write time.” Ah...onward toward the finish line. Only 6 more hours to go before the day’s race is through. And there I’ll be happy, tired, and thankful for the legs which carried me through my day.

Blessings...

-t.

photo: shot in the forest preserve on a recent frost morning. Often, when asked "How are you" my father in law will reply, "Fine as a frog on a frosty morning." I love that.

it's written in the stars...

My horoscope for November 8, 2010:

The time has now come for you to undertake more difficult tasks.

Indeed, the stars incite you to use the day to your

advantage, Terri. You are full of life, and you should use this

energy to show the world what you are capable of!

Today, you will not be afraid of any work to be done,

and you will also have the capacity to recover your strength afterwards.

The stars are spot on for me this morning as I've lots to do

at work this week. Winter programming text to write, two

book discussions to prepare for in addition to three other

programs scheduled for the week - a diabetes program for

seniors, a fun jewelry class and a concert scheduled for

Sunday - a program honoring the music of 'ole blue eyes,

Frank Sinatra.

In between the responsibilities of the work day, my BFF's

in town, so I'm hoping to squeeze in a wine date with her

(in addition to the martini date we had yesterday, which

I hope to blog about tomorrow). Add to that a visit later today

with another dear friend and her new little baby girl, a shopping

expedition with my sissy on Wednesday evening and a fish fry

dinner date with the huz and yet another tre' dear friend and her huz too

for Friday and a WAY TOO FUN "author party" on Saturday

night - a first for me and also for my sweet friend who has

planned the fun evening and I've got another full week ahead of me!

Work, home, friends, family...that's the way it's been for me lately. A

constant stream, busy but completely in balance. Well...maybe

the "home" part's been a bit neglected lately, but "home" is undergoing

a bit of pre-turkey day renovation and things are a bit upside down

for the time being. But no worries. About the time things slow down

a bit (am taking Thanksgiving week off - YAY!) I'm planning to slow

down a little bit too. For a few days anyway; long enough to get the

house squared away for holiday entertaining. Come turkey day though

hoopla returns. I can't wait - Thanksgiving's my fave holiday, hands down.

Whew...long winded this morning. Didn't mean to be! I've got work to

do and time's a wasting! And just so you know, it feels so good to be

back to blogging again. I really missed it! There's so much I want

to share with you in the days ahead.

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go...

Happy Monday!

Luv

-t.

Photo: Pisces constellation over desert skies. How cool is that?

carpe diem...

seize the day

for whatever the day brings you.

it's saturday

a day to get things done.

or not.

whatever it is that's on your to-do list to-day,

do it with love.

because its on YOUR list

and that's important.

cleaning the house today?

consider it showing the love

giving care to your surroundings.

heading to the market?

buy yourself something special -

a little pint of ice cream, some chocolate...

you deserve it.

spending the afternoon on the soccer field with your kids?

drink it in -

whistles blowing, parents cheering,

the wide blue sky above you

shining down upon you...

its all yours. today.

or maybe spend the afternoon curled up on the sofa

reading a good book or watching a movie.

why not? and if you're looking for a good book,

check out the list on the right.

i've some wonderful suggestions for you!

i've got my list today too -

a trip up to the farm for the last of our chickens.

free range, organic - i've never tasted chicken such as this!

this year i ordered a turkey from the farm too - a big guy -

we're picking him up too along with our hog from the farm.

a whole year's worth of food for the freezer - what a blessing.

this afternoon i'll be attending my niece's 5th birthday celebration;

a day of family, food and fun.

as i write my little grandson is snoozing away upstairs,

an impromptu sleepover - the best kind!

my little guy will wake up to the scent of fresh bread baking in the oven -

no, i'm not a diva - the recipe is so, so easy and it comes

from one of my VERY favorite cookbooks:

"artisan bread in 5 minutes a day"

by jeff hertzberg and zoe francois

(while you're out today stop by your local library

and see if they have it - you'll love it!)

life is good, and what makes it so are the things on our lists.

the little to-do's that comprise our daily lives.

i'm happy for mine and i hope you are too.

happy saturday dear reader...

-t.

photo - my grandbeans, tyler and ella

who are ALWAYS at the top of my list:)

a kick in the pants from mom...

You need to get back on your blog.

You inspire a lot people.
I hope you get back to it soon.

We all miss you.

Love,

Mom

xoxo

This was the first email I read when I opened my inbox this morning. Okay, I don't know about the inspiration part - if that's the case then I'm uber humbled. But what I DO know is that I totally miss spending time here. Writing. Reading other blogs I enjoy.

I don't know how it happened. How I managed to let ALL of October go by with nary a word or whisper from me. One of my favorite months of the year simply breezed past me, probably you too. Funny thing is, I think about blogging every day. Many times a day, as a matter of fact. Ideas for blog posts multiply in my mind, but time gets the best of me and those ideas fade, never making it to the page.

Gosh I hate how time flies! That thought was running through my head as I drove to the library this morning. October, November, December...my very favorite time of year. And once those months are over we seem to be in a rush to have it be summer again. I wondered, what to do to make a day feel longer? How to put the brake pedal on our clock of days?

Awareness. I believe that's where the answer lies. In being aware, as best we can, of every living moment of our day. Looking in the mirror at our sleepy selves in the early morning and saying outloud"hello world, what do you have in store for me today?" (note: sounds crazy, but I do it. everyday.) And then paying attention all day long, 'til night time falls upon us once more. Then taking out that gratitude journal and listing our blessings, thinking back on what the day delivered.

Minute by minute, all the hours of the day. Just being aware of how time flies. Forcing ourselves to savor the moment...

Whew...thanks Mom! Thanks for the wake up call! And thank you, for meeting me here. Please know that I do not take that for granted. And if it's okay with you, I'd love to share November with you. Right here in blogosphere:)

Blessings,

-t.

Beads of faith...

Pinch me, pinch me I say to myself this beautiful Tuesday. Am I simply dreaming this perfect day into existence? Though it didn't start out that way for me. This morning's pre-awake sweet dream was interrupted by the whisper of my inner voice saying, "it's time girl, get at it."

I've been working at keeping my thoughts regarding today's to-do list on the "sunny side up." Today was the day meant for routine maintainence health testing - all that girly crap. A day I dutifully mark on my calendar, dreading it but at the same time thanking my lucky stars that I have good doctors and insurance to match.

Grumbly though, that' s what I was at the sound of the NPR announcer's voice - my wake up alarm. And I shouldn't of been grumbly, especially considering my 21 day pledge to remain "complaint free." (See my current reading) The minutes following multiplied into an hour and before too long I was out the door, audio book in tow for the ride to and from (again, see current reading list - The 19th Wife - shocking!!).

As I sat in wait from test to test, three to be exact, crocheting away my complaint, I was taken by a woman sitting close by. A few minutes before she sat waiting with her daughter, who appeared to be close to my own age, 50-ish. Her daughter at this time was undergoing her test. As I sat stitching my eyes lifted toward the woman's mother, singular now as she awaited the return of her daughter. I couldn't help but be taken at the movement of her lips, silently mouthing prayers being counted off on the rosary wrapped around her fingers.

The woman's face held no worry. Her expression was one of will, of faith. Prayerful, obviously. And I couldn't help but feel blessed myself, sitting so close to one so deep in prayer. With everything going on around us, we were two people alone in faith - her for her daughter and the power of prayer, and me in gratitude for being right there, right then. Again, I was reminded of the importance of being in the moment. If I hadn't been, then I would have missed it.

After my test battery I headed home to prepare for the rest of my day. A one to nine shift at the library. Writers' group tonight. A two hour stint at the reference desk during the "witching hours," from three to five - the harried two hours between "school's out" and dinner time. All the while, once more I find myself enmeshed in the thick of what's going on around me.

Life in a library at the busiest time of day. Life in a library at any time of day. In my book (pun intended) the library's pretty much the best place to be. Everything happens at library, just open a book! And I once more I was filled with gratitude...for my job. That I get to spend my day in a library. Be with library people - patrons and staff. If I could have said it out loud I would have, "Thank you God for letting me work here, in my hometown library, right here, right now, with all of these people all around me."

A simple day in the life...but so damn rich. What joy I found today in my surroundings. Sharing a laugh with the lab techs (it's laugh or cry and I always choose to laugh). The woman with the rosary. Oh how I pray her prayers are answered. And tonight after work I'm heading to my daughter's. She'll have popcorn and a bottle of wine ready. For the second week in a row we're having a "tv night." We're both hooked on the new Showtime program The Big C. If you haven't seen it, you should. There's a mighty message inside this smart little "dramedy." Live for the moment. Look around you. Grab your joy, don't let anyone or anything steal it away from you. And for me the greatest joy is in the world around me, as it happens moment by moment.

All in all, a very good Tuesday.

Hope yours was too.

-t.

"you alone are enough to face the sunrise..."

experience is the greatest teacher...wow, how i know the truth in that statement. i think of the ebb and flow of this summer, of the past year of my life. all i've been through and who i've become as a result. had i not experienced the pain, frustration, uncertainty and doubts which have landed at my feet over these past 12 months of my life, i wouldn't be who i am today. and i like who i am today. i like the stronger, more certain me that i've become. i like the heights i'm reaching for and knowing that they're attainable, reminding myself that i'm stronger at carving out new paths because of the uncharted ones i've traveled these past months of my life.

years ago i worked diligently on a cross stitch sampler. worked on the project for a year. stitched into the design were the words, "each dawn is a new beginning." i framed the finished sampler and gave it to my parents for christmas that year. that piece has come to mean so much. to them. to me. the sampler sits in my basement now, awaiting a spot on the wall of my mom's new apartment. i happened by it as we were moving her in last weekend.

"each dawn is a new beginning." the words reminding me that change is inevitable. that dark nights bring bright dawns ~ sunrise and the promise of a new day. a fresh start. and like making it through an unsettling dream on a stormy night, we gain strength and clarity with the light of a new day.

the dawns of the last 365 days of my life have, with each 24 hour period, made me stronger and more sure of who i am and the decisions i've made. i don't doubt them. and i don't doubt me. i no longer doubt my strength or my ability to make it through tough times. those times are going to come again, that much i know is true. but i also know what's to be gained by muddling through adversity. with a wing and a prayer we make it through. into the light of a better day.

wishing you the sunrise,

all the day through...

-t.

hello again...

girl. it's so good to see you again, coming out from under that wide umbrella which has sheltered you from your stormy summer. looking into your eyes i can see that you've changed a bit. your curves have softened. your eyes see deeper. and listening, do i detect a stronger beat to your heart?

strong girl...stronger than you'd ever imagined you could be. happy girl, hungry to grab hold of your days once more. reaching girl, knowing that that road behind you has prepared you well for the uncertain journey ahead. running girl, not running from but running to...the life that is yours.

arms flung wide open you run under the sun with the wind as your partner. strains of music long gone unheard fill your heart and soul with joy. at the finish line which is also a starting line your bittersweet tears welcome you home. back to you. fresh from the journey with new stories which tenderly reveal themselves in the way you now see the world.

hello again friend.

you. me.

i've missed you.

luv,

-t.

a daughter's tribute...

It's been a time since I've posted. Circumstances surrounding the illness and passing of my dad have kept my mind tangled and time for writing simply non-existent. What follows is the remembrance I wrote and read at my Dad's memorial service. I've had many requests to share this piece, and so I am...sharing it with you. I also hope, now that my life is a bit more steady, to be here more. Writing and sharing life with you...

To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world. These words were stenciled on the wall behind the sign up desk at the hospice home where my dad spent the last two weeks of his life. To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

Words read daily, by my mom, my sister, my niece, me…all our family who came and spent time with dad during those last precious days. Those words danced around my mind as I sat in contemplation, pouring over the life that was my dad’s in preparation for this moment. Because that’s what my dad was, the world, to my mom, my sister and I, to our family. It’s with great pride as Larry’s daughter to share the world that was my dad’s life with you today.

My dad’s life was a testament to the power of the spirit to withstand and conquer challenges. Many of you may not know that my dad spent the better part of his childhood living in an orphanage in the city. Dad was placed, along with his brother Bob, in the orphanage when he was three years old and remained there until the age of nine. I can’t help but think that the courage he showed later in life fighting his many medical battles was forged during the formative years of his childhood. Learning to survive, believe, endure and carry hope for a better day.

After Gram and Gramp were married they moved to Grayslake, my dad and Bob in tow. Two more brothers would follow – Rick and Randy. His teen years, at least, found him finally at home, living life as should be promised to any child – with his mom and dad and his brothers by his side.

My dad graduated from Grayslake HS in 1956. Shortly thereafter Dad and his HS buddy Jack Kordt stuck out their thumbs and hitchhiked their way to Southern California via the original route 66. They left with little more than $40 between the two of them and a nose for adventure. After a month in California they made their way back to Grayslake, again, courtesy of their thumbs, broke except for their memories of a wild and wonderful time which I know for sure was one of the best times of my dad’s life. He cherished those memories and the memories of good times and great friends his whole life long. Such good friends he had, ones who remained close to him even up to the final days of his life.

A short time later my dad met his dream girl, my mom, while working at Abbotts. Not only did she catch his eye, she caught his heart as well. The good looking guy with the classic 50’s flat top and his model bride tied the knot in June of 1959 and celebrated over 50 years as partners in marriage. Ups, downs, all-arounds – two young kids with barely a nickel to their name, my parents made a beautiful life together, working their hardest to provide my sister and I with the things that they never had.

In his younger days my Dad held many jobs in an effort to earn a few nickels to rub together. Gas station attendant, MdDonald’s fry cook, you name it, he did it. His
passion though was the printing industry and my Dad made a life long trade of it. For many years he worked as a pressman. I’ll never forget the times I visited my dad at Munder’s in Zion when my dad worked on that monstrous four color press – all by himself running this thing which was a little bigger than a single car garage. Even now occasionally when I crack open a catalog from the mailbox I breathe in that smell – ink, paper, press – and it takes me back. One of the many scents I associate with my hero, my dad.

He held many positions in an industry which changed so drastically throughout his career. From pressman, to litho stripper and on to production and management, my dad was the hardest working man I knew, often times working two jobs to support the needs of his family. Not just my mom, my sister and I, but often helping out his parents, my mom’s folks, and their brothers and sisters. If a soul was in need, my dad would do his darndest to lend a hand or a few dollars to help out, always teaching, always showing by example to his daughters, and to our entire family, how to live a live of purpose.

One point which bears mention is that my sister and I were lucky in that we lived with parents that never said no to a pet. My dad gave a nervous nod to our pleading eyes when the question “can I keep him?” came up. Gold fish, tropical fish, one darn cat, many dogs, gerbils, hamsters, and even a goofy growling, laughing mynah bird who’s favorite phrase was “oh blank, I lost my cigarettes again”…we had it all. And it was fun. After flying the coop, my sister and I were replaced with generations of shi tzu’s – and boy did my dad love them. Not only did my parents keep this silly little loveable breed as pets, they showed them too, on the national level, going so far as to raise two grand champions. These days they’re down to one, but for many years you’d be greeted by as many as a half a dozen little shi tzu faces when you walked in their door.

Throughout the years my dad enjoyed so many different hobbies. As a child I can remember when he and my mom would spend endless hours as the archery range down in Waukegan. He loved that sport. I used to love to just sit and watch him line up that sight, steady his aim and eye his target. I can still hear the arrow snap free from the bow and remember how proud I was that this was my dad. From archery, bowling, fishing, coin collecting and downhill skiing, to stained glass work and even crocheting (yes Caity, pop pop was hooked for a time too) my dad was a pretty passionate guy. And don’t even get me started on how he loved his computer!

My dad’s biggest hobby though, was cooking. Dad was the cook in our family and we were all the luckier for it. For my bridal shower years and years ago it was my dad who put together the entire menu – a classic ladies luncheon from appetizers to homemade desserts. I’ll never forget it. And when my dad made a cake, it was an out of the ordinary, soaked in brandy, homemade fruit filling, travel to a few different stores for ingredients kind of cake. He approached all his culinary endeavors in just such a way. In turn, my sister and I delighted in cooking for my dad. The final test of our efforts came with a taste from my dad. He’d take a bite and we’d look at him and say “well??” There
were only two answers to that questions – it’s okay, or very good. Each and every time Cyndi and I reached for the “very good” response, knowing for sure that if it was “okay” then something was missing. Very good was an A, it’s okay was a C.

My dad’s greatest passion though, was his family, my mom, my sister and I, and the families we’ve created. How he loved his grandchildren, his great-grandchildren. Back in healthier easier times, my dad didn’t miss a beat with his grandkids. He took such pride in watching my son play years of football and I know those are memories that Nick will carry for the rest of his life. How I wish he could have seen Nick play lacrosse, watch Michael on the baseball field, see Caity cheer her way to state championships. Health complications may have prevented him from physically being there, but the kids always knew for sure that their pop pop was with them in spirit.

I want you to understand what an honor I consider it to be, to speak about such a loving, patient, kind, gracious man, my dad. And how my sister and I take such pride in being Milanich’s, carrying our dad’s name in a whisper beside our now married names. Just how much it means to me to stand before you and share the life that was my dad. All my life my dad has taught me, guided me, even to his final days, teaching me things about myself, about courage and about faith. In all my life as his daughter I can honestly say that the time I cherish most are the last few weeks I had with him. Holding his hand, telling him how much I loved him and how proud I was to be his daughter. Even witnessing to him and sharing our faith. Praying over him, with him, knowing that in my life I have been truly blessed in having him for a father. Realizing that everyone who knew him was blessed in a way just by calling him son, husband, brother, pop pop, uncle, brother in law, friend…

Years and years ago my dad, my sister and I used to sing a silly little song over and over. The song started out with the words “you remind me of a man, what man?” Cyndi knows what I’m talking about. To you dad, I just want to say it one more time…you remind me of a man…what man? The man with the power…the power to touch lives, to live with courage, to fight the brave fight. And now you live in victory dad…in our hearts and with God’s promise that at the end of the battle he comes to take us to a better place. Home. Where our heart is free.

realizing that i think might just have lived

one of the most memorable summers of my life,

and that i am all the better for having lived it.

loving life,

-t.

p.s...photo is of my dad on the beach in North Carolina.

tuesday, and all is well...

a morning cup of coffee

the buzz of cicadas whirring through

the screen above my kitchen sink

wrapping sandwiches

securing my lunch time salad

with a snap inside a container

fresh local blueberries on top of my yogurt

the delicious scent of my husband

as i kiss him out the door and into his day

sunshine reflecting in water drops

resting on the leaves of my freshly watered garden

rainbows reflecting in water spray

as i allow myself a few

childlike moments to play with the hose

tucked into my colorful cube at the library

i bury myself all the day long

ordering books, books and more books

lists left long unattended

while i muddled through the murky waters

of the past 6 weeks of my life

a call from the doctor

today is a fairly good day for dad, he reports

i'll take it - if only for a moment

for those "good times" are so rare

as i sip my tea the afternoon through

the little yogi tea tag reminds me to

"be happy so long as breath is within you"

and i am, happy

for this blissfully, so far perfect

absolutely normal day

my very favorite kind of day

i happened upon this pretty little prayer

and though to share it with you...

"normal day,

let me be aware of the treasure that you are.

let me learn from you, love you, bless you before you depart.

let me not pass you by in the quest of some rare and perfect tomorrow.

let me hold you while i may,

for it may not always be so."

wishing you the profound peace

tucked quietly inside

of a perfectly perfect normal day...

-t.

photo - sharing more "tea tag wisdom" with you:)