"she is too fond of books, and it has turned her brain..."

i'm babying my gym-sore muscles and keeping to my kitchen on this fog-blind rainy morning. it's my favorite sort of stay at home day - a rainy, grey, tuck yourself inside sort of day. i'm only home for the morning though. i'll be working a noon to niner because tonight i have book club. my favorite, no contest FAVORITE part of my job at the library. and this morning, in addition to finishing up the book we'll be discussing tonight - Shutter Island by Dennis LaHane (must use caps properly when referring to books and authors) - i'm working on our 2010 reading lists. i've got my titles narrowed down. rounding the bend to having it all wrapped up.

selecting titles for my two reading clubs is a task i'm uber serious about, hashing, rehashing, erasing, adding, scribbling notes on genre, place, characters, timing. and although so much work goes into it, this is a honest labor of love. crazy love. i'm certifiably nuts over books. always have been. the day i learned to read is pretty much paramount (to me, a bibiophile) to the day i took my first breath. i find life in books. stories. call me a bonafide book geek, cuz they're my number one hobby.

so as i finish up this process of honoring my "book club endorsement" to 22 titles that my 2 books clubs will pour through in the upcoming year, i do so with a big smile. a strong feeling of contentment and gratitude. for this grey morning (which if i were a better writer, i'd have a really cool metaphorical description of). my lists (something else i'm passionate about as a fervent reader - reading lists - and mine are the BEST in my humble opinion). a candle burning. a big fat mug of hot coffee. the cat lying next to me. and the thought of all those months ahead...sharing the joy of the story and of all the places we'll go together, my book club friends and i, on the wings of a book.

love from my kitchen on a tuesday morning,

-t,

"read, read, read."

william faulkner

tuesday, october 27th...

i've been so frustrated with myself lately regarding my writing. through the course of a day there are so many things that inspire me to write, but for some reason those thoughts have a tough time making their way from my brain to the keyboard. i get all inspired, log on to blogger, start writing and then just sit and...well, just sit. not much more.

but today is different. i want to get this down quick, it's early in the morning. busy time for me, and for most everyone else too. getting the healthy lunch packed, cats fed, pouring coffee down my throat, getting my butt to the gym before the work day (sure fire stress buster-i'm back in the zone after a long hiatus). but today i wanted to make sure to get this one story down. this one thought.

yesterday while going through my morning paces (mentioned above) my brain was doing it's best to try to talk me out of going to the gym. i'm so glad i didn't listen. got to the gym, stowed away my bag, plugged into my ipod and got busy on the treadmill. as i was warming up i noticed larry, an old fella who's at the gym most every morning. health wise, larry's had some pretty close calls over the past couple of years. he keeps up with his exercise though. he and his wife. when i don't see him there for more than a few days in a row i get concerned that everything's okay with him.

this summer though, i haven't seen larry much. i've opted for outdoor exercise in the morning...walks in the woods, riding my bike, running, so i've been kind of scarce at the y. i'm back on track though and as usual, as i was climbing up on the treadmill yesterday i noticed larry, and of course i gave a wave and a smile. i didn't think too much of our exchange after that, just huffed and puffed my way through the first course of my workout. after 20 minutes i switched machines, again doing my best to talk myself through a few miles of running (without the benefit of a sunrise, the smell of the woods, the beauty all around me).

it was beauty of a different nature that took me by surprise as i made my way into mile two. as i saw larry approaching i disengaged my earplugs for a quick "hi larry, how're you today? it's good to see you!" this was his response back to me..."terri, i want you to know how much it means to me when you say hello to me every morning. it really makes my day. your bright smile, your energy...well, it really makes a difference to me in the morning. your friendliness and positive outlook really mean a lot to me and i wanted you to know that."

i'm not trying to engage my audience in loud applause, not writing this to give myself a hearty pat on the back. i will say though that i am a pretty positive person. almost annoyingly so. the reason i share this story is because i think it's important to remind ourselves of the affect we have on others without paying notice. it's funny how we don't even realize how a kind, heartfelt "hi, how are you" can be a real difference maker in someone's life, how our attitude - positive or otherwise might affect another. and furthermore, how infinitely important it is to pay mind to the fact that "an old fella at the gym" isn't just an old fella, but another heart, another soul to connect to if only with a simple smile and hello.

today is particularly significant with respect to what i'm speaking of. there was another instance, another person who touched my life in just such a way. a library patron with an enormous heart, a beautiful spirit, who really made a difference in my day whenever i saw her at the library. she always took the time to say hello, how are you doing my dear, how's your dad, your family, how's that grandson doing? through these casual exchanges we became friends - an unlikely friendship, her being in her seventies and me on the fun side of forty. in the course of our friendship, "my miss nancy bebarski" helped me through a very difficult time in my life.

my miss nancy moved away a couple of years ago. before she left we met for breakfast. one last time enjoying the company of one another. it was so hard to say goodbye that morning. actually, i don't think we even said it. we just hugged. a long hug. as i walked to my car i felt the tears come on, and before i drove off i sat and had a good cry. i think she did too. her car didn't leave the parking lot any quicker than mine did. we both knew that would be the last time we'd see each other.

my miss nancy bebarski is an angel in heaven now. i'll be attending her visitation later today, seeing her for the final time and wishing so much that i could hear her voice again, but feeling so blessed that i can still hear it in my mind. and i'll say to her, miss nancy? i just want you to know how much it meant to me to see you in the library. you always made my day. your beautiful smile. your gentle, caring way. your confidence in me. you really meant a lot to me, and i just wanted you to know that.

a lady. at my library. a relationship that began with a casual greeting but developing into so much more. you never know the impact your presence can make in the life of someone else. thank you larry. thanks miss nancy. you've "made" so many of my days.

luv,

-t.

turning corners, changing directions...

isn't this pic the coolest? i love it. it was taken on lake pepin in stockholm wisconsin on a recent visit. huz and i visited the most beautiful place i think i've ever seen. honestly, we both agreed that maui had nothing on this little hidden gem of a hamlet up in the mississippi river just a breath south of minnesota. we hit the road to escape the stress of a most uncertain reality, both in our personal, and also our professional lives. we needed to connect. with ourselves. with each other. since our visit, i feel myself coming back to life a bit. huz has a new direction on his life map - a new job, which he is very excited over. me too. we needed this. a new place. new faces. new opportunities and a new point of interest on the map that is our lives. this has been the happiest, scariest, sometimes saddest, most misunderstood summer of our married life. but we made it. us two. and now? we're feeling pretty good together. so excited for each other. huz with his new job (yay god - thanks to his blessings, and of course to good friends for pointing us toward new directions) me with my kick ass library job and my new granola gig. life's pretty good if you just give it a chance, you know?

this summer we've experienced some very trying times. but with a true and honest love, a firm foundation and blessings from above, we're sure to make it through. when i look at my husband, i see the future. and from where i stand, it looks pretty good. like the beach. at sunset. through the eyes of a child. innocence. trusting love. what more is there to life, when it all comes down to it? being there for each other. the way we promised to be, oh so long ago...in sickness and in health, in good times and in bad. you know the verse. and it's through the test of time that those words come to mean so much more...the promise of a lifetime.

wifely words of wisdom (and learning and growing each day)

-t.

absent...

from my life as i knew it. seems like from my own self these days. just not there. somewhere else. wishing i could get back. not knowing which way out from what's keeping me from being "happy, sun-shiney" me. read this here friends, this is no call for sympathy or concern. i'm just weathering times right now that test the will, the strength, the ability to move forward and leave what's done behind me. we've all had times such as this, and i know i've said that before. here. and we all get through eventually, don't we? but despite that, it doesn't make a rough road much smoother, does it?

i've missed writing, but i've been kind of hiding out. keeping away, not sharing words that might give clue to the feelings i just can't express right now. i'm hopeful. always, i'm that. if there's one thing about me, it's that terminal positivity which makes me, well me i guess. it's there, somewhere. but right now i'm just doing. doing my best to recognize and give thanks for the blessings that come with each day. trying to see my way ahead of the uncertainty that lies before me. trying to convince myself that i can trust, believe, "move forward."

i'm writing tonight by request. someone i love very much has missed my words, and for that i'm touched and so grateful. hang in there with me, okay? it's just a time, like others and certainly not the last. trust. move forward. believe. be at peace. just words? or can i finally believe?

as i sit here and listen to the wind blowing change in all directions outside my window, i'm wondering where it will take me. i wish i could just grab onto a windy coat tail. ride away to destinations unknown. where winter is just another sunny day, no bone chilling days forcing me to stay hidden indoors.

a short story - life being stranger than fiction,

-t.

Paying mind to precious time...

With all that is going on in my life right now, I'm realizing the necessity of minding my time. Prioritizing any given moment. I was saying to my husband this morning that it almost scares me how quickly my little kitchen business is taking off. "Be careful what you wish for, right?" I said to him, and his reply was "that's exactly what I was thinking."

This was as I was pushing yet another batch of banana chocolate chip bread into my oven before dawn. As the banana bread aroma swirled through my house I was busy mixing up a batch of granola. The cool thing about what I'm doing is that it allows me time to think while being creative. My thoughts this morning center on the absolute importance of staying on track, organizing my time properly. An hour sidetracked for me at this point is trouble - be it for one of my book clubs, my kitchen business, or my library job.

One thing I want to be very careful of though, is to make sure that my busy-ness doesn't take me away from what's true in my life - the people that I love. My husband, kids, grandbabies, my parents, and my amazing friends. If it weren't for those people then I wouldn't be who I am. It's with their support and love that I have the gumption to do what I do. And what is it all worth if I become too busy to carve out time to be with those I love?

I remind myself constantly - it doesn't take much, it need not be a big planned out production just to get together with friends and family. Just a quick phone call to say meet me for breakfast, I'm going grocery shopping, what to come with? Let's do lunch - I have an hour. Come for dinner, it won't be anything special but I just want to be with you. That quick phone call quickly manifests into golden minutes, a precious hour or two.

I want to be so careful about this - taking time with the beautiful people I'm blessed with in life. An impromptu dinner with my folks, re-working my Friday schedule so that I can grab a precious half hour with my grandson and get him on the bus, taking an hour lunch and staying a half hour later in the work day so that I can squeeze in lunch with a friend...I don't want to lose sight of how essential these moments are. And I don't want for a second for take for granted that people will just always be there, that there will be "enough time later for that." My friend Mary taught me well there.

Call a friend and say "I love you." A cherished friend did just that last night, those words meant so much. The next time a request for your time is made, eek out a spot. I was talking with yet another friend at work yesterday about the richness of life right now, in this moment. How happy we are with the simple, yet abundant lives we're leading, despite challenges we're both dealing with. And I said to her, you know Kelly, these are the days, just like the Natalie Merchant song. Because they are. Right now. Today. As long as we have today, what more do we need?

"Kiss your life. Accept it. Just as it is. Today. Now.

So that those moments of happiness you're waiting for

don't pass you by."

love,

-t.

p.s. In mention of the amazing people in my life, Iwant to thank my beautiful sister, my best friend always in my life. Without her i'm just a bump on a log. Thank you Cyndi - I love you.

Lucky me, lucky us...

I am basking in the warmth of my kitchen, the oven giving off the last of it's heat from one more marathon baking session. The aroma of baking bread remains in the air. I couldn't resist stealing a moment to write before the second round of busy-ness takes over my day.

We're off to do the Richmond Farmers' Market this morning, only this time the fruits of my labor and love go on without me. I have to work "the real job" today - the library. My husband, my wonderful husband, is taking my place today. He has his notes - bread made from organic multi grain flour, granola sweetened with honey and fruit juice, all of that. Last night he created and printed labels for my products. This morning as the last loaves were coming out of the oven he was busy tallying up my inventory for today's market. Then, with a packed truck, the camera, a banana, a granola bar and a mug of coffee in tow, he was on his way.

My sister Cyndi (the best sister a gal could ever hope for) will meet Don up at the market. Together they'll wrap breads, arrange my granolas, set up my booth and sell the beautiful fruits of my labor. With my hands, with my heart, I put my love into what I do. And for my husband, my sister, to help me out in such a big way...well, how does one say thank you enough? Just knowing how they believe in me, in what I'm doing, the support they're giving me - there are no words to express my feelings of gratitude.

As my husband was leaving I gave him a hug and a kiss and thanked him for doing this for me. He replied by saying "Thank YOU for doing this!" And as he was backing out of the driving he added, "This is about us." What a huge statement. What a giving man. I wish I could be a mouse in his pocket today - to watch as he and my sister work together on my "wish and a dream."

My husband and I have had quite a summer together - with his unemployment we've spent more time together than ever before in our almost 32 year marriage. It's almost as if we've been reintroduced to each other after all of this time raising kids, taking care of a home, working. And each day we grow closer together, happier each day. This is the definition of a "good marriage." Over coming obstacles, weathering storms, loving without fail (especially when your at your worst), supporting and believing in each other.

I can't believe Don's doing this for me today (for us, actually). This is something that's completely out of his comfort zone. But then again, he's learned lots about himself through all of this, and has challenged himself in new ways. I think he's learned a lot about me too. He knows as I do that when the two of us work together amazing things happen (our family is proof of that!). And we both know that no matter what, we have each other. That's all we've ever needed. That's all it takes...

much love to beautiful sister and "hollywood handsome" huz...

-t.

Photo is from a date Don and I went on over the summer.

Out on Lake Michigan on a "full moon" lit night.

One more happy memory in a lifetime full of blessings.

This morning I write with a heart full of the bittersweet. I'm sitting in the sun feeling the gentle rocking of the boat. Every few moments my skin is tickled with cool droplets of water; the spray off the fishing line as my husband makes his casts onto the water. And the sun, warm, but with a cool and comforting breeze blowing by, sending me into a delirious peaceful calm on this gorgeous Friday morning.

This is the blessing. Being here, right now in this moment with my handsome husband. Hearing the birds sing-songing, the crickets buzzing, the bubbly sort of sounds of the water as it laps at the sides of our boat. My heart is overwhelmed by the honest and true blessing of this very moment. This day, which Don and I have promised to spend together. And knowing that in our lives, at any given moment, the tides can swiftly turn.

Such is the case with a family we know well of. A woman, a wondrous soul, who just a few short months ago appeared to us happy, healthy, and involved up to her ears in the life of her family. Constantly giving of herself, of her time, her resources, Mary appeared to me tireless in her efforts to be the ultimate mother, wife, whatever the situation called upon for her to be.

Mary was Team Mom for my son Nick's college lacrosse team. Her accomplishments went far beyond what I could imagine doing: coordinating team dinners, cook outs, team apparel sales,
hosting the entire team and coaching staff for meals, making sure that the boys had snack bags, restaurant meals and all creature comforts as they traveled over seven states competing in their inaugural NCAA lacrosse season. And as if that wasn't enough, she even made sure that our visiting competitors were fed as well!

Mary was the heart and soul of the team - a true Team Mom in every sense of the term. In all the years that I held the same title, I know as God's honest that I couldn't have held a candle to Mary's efforts and accomplishments. This wonderful little blue eyed, strawberry blonde lady was a giving, loving, one-woman power house.

In an email sent from her son to our son Nick, we learned in late July that Mary had been diagnosed with stage IV colon and liver cancer. I last saw her at the celebratory team dinner in May. She was the highest (and to be truthful, only) bidder for a necklace and earring set which I had made and donated to the silent auction fundraiser for the team. She seemed thrilled to have "won" my humble creations - "they're just my color!" she happily exclaimed. She put the necklace on at once and wore it throughout the afternoon.

Seeing her that day. Thanking her for all of her hard work. Leaving her with the words "...call me if you need help Mary. With anything. We'll be there." I would have never for an instant thought that would be the last time we would ever speak with her.

Yesterday we received word that Mary had passed away. We were stunned. Still are. And as I sit writing we are only just now receiving word of the arrangements being made to honor and remember Mary. The wake will be this evening. We'll be there, along with our son, to remember and celebrate this marvelous life - a life of love and giving, and to offer our condolences to her family. A husband. Two sons. A daughter. Seven weeks. From diagnosis to the end. Gone.

For those of you who know me well, you know that I'm a girl of simple pleasures. One who sees the blessing of a hazy moonlit night (last night. I just had to get up and watch out the window.) The blessing of the wind dancing my tangly hair into knots. Realizing the blessing of looking into the eyes of the people I meet, and reaching even further to see into their heart. For Mary, I don't want to waste a moment, miss a blessing, pass up a chance to drink in the simple abundance of a day. Feeling the breeze. The warmth of the sun. The sound of the water. Having the man I love a short and simple arm's reach away. This is true wealth. Being here. Living, loving, and giving.

God must have had a pretty important job up in the realm of His Heavens to have needed to call such a special angel. God bless you Mary. And thank you for all you have done.

Today. Don't wast a second on ill feelings, regrets, anger, hate, disappointment. Reach out. Love that husband. Kiss your kids. Wrap your arms around yourself and give yourself some love. You have today. Don't let a minute of it pass you by without being grateful.
For. Just. This.

grateful for this present moment...

-t.

Later...wrote this post earlier today, but wanted to record it here just as it was written this morning. It's after dinner. Don cooked up his "nothing else can compare" fish fry for Nick and I on this, Nick's last night at home before he returns to school. Words cannot express how good it was to just come home and be together after attending Mary's wake. The visitation was held at a HUGE Catholic Church in Northbrook. The line of those waiting to pay their respects to Mary and her family formed to the back of the church and out the door - more than a hundred at least waiting their turn. It was early, there were still hundreds I'm sure yet to attend. The picture that stands out foremost in my mind is of her husband, now standing alone without his bride by his side. Another, that of her college age son, sitting in the pew, surrounded by his friends, his girlfriend at his side, her hand tightly entwined with his own. I look at my men tonight, my husband, my son. I listen to their voices, their shared conversations. And I am thanking my God that I am here with them, tonight. Not taking a minute of this blessing for granted.