this morning i am sadly moved by the headline weary story of phoebe prince. for those of you who have been fortunate enough to dodge the nightly news, phoebe is the girl who, after living months of torment and hell inflicted on her by her "peers," couldn't bare the pain any longer and chose to end her life.

i'd seen headlines for this story plastered all over the internet news sources, but until today i hadn't chanced to read of such a heartrendering account. this morning though, as i sipped my coffee and perused the top stories on cnn (and yes, it makes me sick to see the attention being wasted on tiger woods - a sorry character indeed) i clicked and read phoebe's sad story.

as i read, my mother's heart felt a stab of pain much as if my own child had felt her pain. who are these people, these heartless teenagers, that could take such pleasure, such satisfaction in hurting someone so? how were they raised that they could be capable of such behaviour? where are their parents? where were the teachers who might have been able to reach out to this girl?

numerous students from phoebe's school admitted that "everyone knew" of the hateful actions and harassment exacted upon her. it was obvious what was happening, yet no one stepped in to defend her. being a teenager is painful in and of itself, let alone being the object of cruel and malicious torture. for all accounts, it appears that the root cause of phoebe's torment was a boy. two boys. all of this over a guy. i shake my head at the waste of it all.

her tormentors were, are monsters. anyone who would turn a blind eye such cruelty also shares the blame. and as parents we're to blame too when we turn our heads on our responsibility in teaching our children the "do unto others" rule, exemplifying in our own actions to love thy neighbor as thyself. who are they to learn from, if not us, the meaning of humility? do we even understand that word - humility? does anyone anymore?

i pray for the soul of this troubled young girl. i pray for her parents. i pray for the sad and sorry hearts of her persecutors - where do they go from here? what hope do they have if, at this early stage of their lives, they are capable of such cruel and despicable actions? and i pray for us, as a people, that we may see the beauty of humanness in the eyes of everyone we meet and that we might realize that as creations of a loving god, there's a part of us in every other living soul. when we're cruel to others, in reality we're only hurting ourselves.

hu.mil.i.ty: noun

1. the quality or state of being humble

2. respectful; feeling or showing

respect or deference

toward other people

in the grand scheme of things, you and me make we.

may we always know that, practice it, and simply...be.

love,

-t.

photo - a flower for phoebe from my collection

taken at the chicago botanic garden in last february

i have been...

feeling an incredible sense of peace with my life recently. contentment being not simply a word, but more a bonafide feeling. i like that, this sense that i am exactly where i am meant to be, doing precisely what i'm supposed to be doing. right now, today. i'm not reaching, trying to grab the higher spot on the monkey bars. the view is mighty fine from my perch on life's jungle gym. i have what i need. i want for nothing.

i'm getting lots of exercise, fresh air and clean food. i have the company of a good man to share my life. my children are healthy, fully functioning adults who for all practical appearances seriously seem to have their shit together. and they like each other. a lot. me too, and the huz. and those babies - my little grandbeans. having them leaves me feeling sorry for those without. grandchildren, that is. my little family's pretty tightly knit, a blessing i hold in high regard. i have good, good friends and i realize how lucky i am to be held in their countenance.

above all else though, i have peace. one can only understand how vital inner peace is when one is without it. it's painful. i don't ever want to experience life without it again. i'll do whatever it takes to maintain and secure peace in my life. with peace there is freedom. freedom to trust, live honestly, and feel safe.

and i'm writing. not here so much lately (though i miss it, think of it each day, and really want to do better about posting more regularly) but on my own, in the morning, at night, whenever i get the chance. i've taken to carrying a notebook around with me, not leaving home without it. i'm collecting pictures, jotting phrases, making note of new words, unique names, anything of interest that sparks my imagination. these days i think in stories and in doing so i feel as if i come home after an overly long absence. my stories never end, but go on day and night, switching directions like the springtime winds blowing color and life onto the page.

deep post. what did you expect after my having been gone so long? oh, and i have you. reading along whenever i post. for one who so loves to write, there is no greater blessing than to know that someone is reading.

wishing you peace and love on an unseasonably cold morning

a morning to stay tucked in reading

a morning to stay tucked in writing...

-t.

~this, my dear nans, is what i've been up to~

i have been...

Hi there, missed you. Sorry I've been absent. I'm keeping this short but wanted to let you know that everyday I think of you, and more so, everyday I think more and more about writing. Daydreaming actually. Story lines, plots, characters and scenes fight for time during my workday. Now so they're even waking me up at night, revealing themselves to me layer by layer.

I'm going to try to keep up here a bit better and on a more casual basis. Checking in. Saying hello and sharing what I've been up to. I'll also be sharing my the titles of current books in which my nose is buried. Speaking of which, I just finished listening to the BBC production of Madame Bovary by Gustave Flaubert. Loved it, though SO sad - perfect example of a poor soul incapable of being happy all the while missing true love as it stares her in the face. That said though, sad as it is, I loved it.

I have a few audios lying in wait...who will it be next? Jane Austen? James Joyce? Over the past few months I've taken a swift dive into the classics all the while discovering a new found joy in the listening. As for hard copy, a coworker of mine suggested I might like The School of Essential Ingredients by Erica Bauermeister and she was right. Loving that too, reminiscent of another one of my all time favorites - Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel.

Am loving the sounds and scents of these glorious spring days, despite the fact that while the sun shines I'm tucked inside the library. That's okay though. At night by the cast of the moon's glow, the window is open blowing in the promise of spring. And as I lie awake, blessed by the caress of the night time air, I conjure and create, spinning stories in my mind.

"Every spring is the only spring. A perpetual astonishment"

-t.

quotation - ellis peters

4 days and a movie tip or two...

While working the reference desk today I received a call from a patron inquiring about the availability of a few movies. I happily checked into each of the titles on her list – most we had, but some we didn’t. Only a few though. After jotting down the items which held a place on our library shelves, I ended the call by saying that if there were any on her list that I was unable to find I’d give her a call back. After a quick goodbye and the click of the receiver I ventured into the stacks, list in hand.

Treasure found, I sat down and began the process of placing courtesy holds on the DVD’s which she had requested. Entering in the barcode of the first DVD and proceeding to the next I realized this wasn’t just any list. The list was selective, consisting of seemingly worthwhile, albeit superior content. This person had taken her time in choosing what to watch. Possibly what to allow her children to view. I couldn’t help but wonder where the titles had come from. Had this patron found the titles on some other list? Where? That’s one thing about working at a library, I always wonder, “where do the questions come from?”

I found myself reading the back descriptions of each film selected and taking note, creating my own “to view” list based on her selections. Considering the sorry sum of what’s on at any given time I snap on the tube, and also taking into account the short supply of time I afford to being a couch potato, I recognized the value of this list. It’s such an interesting list, films highly regarded yet I’ve only heard mention of a few. If you’re like me, you take pleasure in the discovery of a good film, a can’t-put-downable book, or a new recording artist on the advice of another. I work in a library. I live for this stuff. As the old saying goes, so little time, so many books, or songs, or films...and never enough time.

For your spare time (which is precious), here’s the list:

Grizzly Man

(non-fiction documentary)
Body of Lies

(with Leonardo DiCaprio, who I liken to our time’s James Cagney)
Half Nelson

(Ryan Gosling, Shareeka Epps and Anthony Mackie)
Elephant

(a film by Gus Van Sant, not about elephants)
In America

(scads of Oscar nods a few years ago)
Once

(noted by the Chicago Tribune as quite possibly “the best music film of our generation”)

There you have it. Visit your local library and check one out. And while you’re at it, take a peek at the non-fiction DVD section. You’d be amazed at what you’ll find. Who needs American Idol? The real gold is on the shelf at your local library. Just a little tip from one who knows...

“I’m not a cabdriver, I’m a coffeepot.”
(from one of MY very favorite QUALITY films – Arsenic and Old Lace, 1944)

-t.

19 days winding down to 5, real quick...

it isn't just any birthday, but a milestone. the way i see it, if i haven't' got my #$%& together by the time i round fifty, then i'm going to quit hoping. that's not the way it is with me though. i'd like to think that i pretty much do have it together, for the most part.

there's always room for improvement though. a path in a better direction. i've anticipated this birthday everyday for the last 325 days or so. not in a bad way, but as a goal. i've written here on creating a list. didn't quite ever manage to do that, but that list is in my head, thoughts swimming around like goldfish in a bowl.

i'm down to the wire. no more time to waste. but then again, is there ever enough time to waste? waste no more, there's things i've got to take care of. things i've got to do. i'll jot them as they come to me, but here's a few just off the top of my head for today...

i wrote this 19 days ago

when i thought it was important

to make a list of things in my life

i needed to improve upon.

i've changed my mind about that.

we're always making lists, resolving, promising...

dangling hypothetical carrots before us

in an attempt to improve upon

what already is.

screw the carrots. to hell with the list.

i'm going to quit wasting time on "do better" lists.

we all should.

we're damn well good enough.

there are so many wonderful things about us,

yet all we focus on is the negative.

i hate negative.

a positive state of mind is my true nature.

how about a list of our accomplishments,

what we like about ourselves?

the part of us that is O-KAY

what a concept.

one thing i like about myself is that

i'm strong. emotionally, mentally.

strong to the point where i even surprise myself.

been through plenty of bullshit in my life

and have come out damn well for it.

know that there'll be plenty more down the road

but also know that my legs won't break.

i'll stand strong.

that's not to say there aren't moments when i cry my fool eyes out.

i do. then i grab a tissue, blow my nose,

and thank god that i'm still standing.

thank him mightily for cleansing tears

and the relief that comes after a good wash.

i always think about the me that my kids see.

the example that i set for them.

i know all too well that they're watching,

and as their mother, they need me strong.

they need to learn (through watching me?)

that instead of falling down flat and getting run over,

the road will rise to meet them.

if there's one lesson in life i've learned, it's just that.

every blessed thing that's happened to me, good, bad or otherwise

has made who i am today.

i have not become a victim. i am not a statistic.

i am a strong woman.

the child of a loving god.

i love my life - the good, bad, ugly all of it.

i am grateful for every lesson which my life experiences have taught me.

the most important lesson being

that i am no one's victim.

that in forgiveness we are made strong.

and i will survive.

the sun comes up every day and life goes on,

far too precious to waste on a bad memory

or a lesson gone unlearned.

i wouldn't trade one second of my life, not a second.

because of where i've been and where i have yet to go,

i am strong. i am me.

and i like that just fine.

seeing that fifty f-ing rocks...

-t.

the language? sometimes it just fits.

i'm not sorry for that either.

just being honest.

the photo? me, from another perspective

contemplative moments on a beach in maui

12 days...

"Nobody can go back and start a new beginning,
but anyone can start today and make a new ending."

Wise words, no? This is my today, yours too, to get busy and make happen the life we're meant to live. I've been presented with a circumstance which is causing me to have a good hard look at how I'm living my life, spending my precious time. Change is in order, doctor's orders, as a matter of fact.

I'm fully aware that the time has come to slow up. Let go. Give stress a good kick in the pants in the direction of the door. I'm the type of person that feels this idiotic need to do everything myself. I'm not saying I have to have it that way so that it'll be right, because that's certainly not the case. I just tend to take on way more than my share - here you have it, in print - I can be a bit of a control freak. That's just not healthy, for me or for anyone. And it's not really fair either to those who are far more talented than I.

I'm working on a list of changes I need to make. Areas of my life where the load can be lightened. Work. Home. But mostly work. I wear way too many hats there. I have a clear vision of what is most important to me in life, and I want to be here for as long as possible for those purposes. In striving to keep myself well I've focused all of my attention on diet and exercise, but have neglected to pay heed to the damage stress has on my heart.

No more. Time to come full circle and be wise enough to realize that I don't have to do everything. I am surrounded by wonderfully talented and fully capable people who are indeed far better than me at getting the job done. Time to realize what things can be eliminated in my life and to focus on doing my best at what's left after that. Time also to welcome new delights...writing, crafting. Giving my home some love. Spending way more time with my family. My wonderful husband. Time to stop giving everything else my first attention and save that for what's truly important. Living my life better so that I can have more. Time.

Reasons number 1 and 2 are pictured in the photo that accompanies this post - my grandbeans Tyler and Ella. I envision one more title to be included in my life biography, somewhere off in the distant future. Great Gramma. I'm going to live my life now in order for that to happen. And I know it will.

Keeping it all in perspective this foggy Monday morning,

-t.

quote - Maria Robinson