Thursday, January 20, 2011

Lost in thoughts of you...

today i wish there was a place i go could
where i would see you
your gentle, loving, father face
not like the last time i saw you
but maybe a month before that
when you were in the car, ready to go
and we were talking, even though mom
had the car running and exhaust fumes
clouded our conversation
i can remember how your face looked
in conversation with me
and after you left, i’d wished i’d taken
that conversation more seriously.
‘cuz i had a feeling about that conversation,
that day, seeing you enjoy your family,
playing with tyler and ella
oh, the look on your face that day
the next time i saw you there was worry
mixed with pain and exhaustion
but even still, on that day,
we had a little bit of conversation and
i cooked for you and you said
“honey, this is so good”
i guess that’s my fear, dad, that i will forget...
your face, your loving eyes
and the gentle sound of your voice.
for just one moment,
i just wish i could hear your voice again.
for this moment, in my desire to see you
i look up.
my eyes fixed on heaven.
my worry abates.
the sound of your voice fills my mind.
music, to my ears.
“there’s a new dawn for me”
you told me and i know
you’re home, but you’re here too,
watching me, listening, guiding even still.
and today, like so many days since you’ve been gone,
i want you to hear me say,
i love you dad.
like my heavenly father is with me,
i will never let you go.


this post went right from heart and onto the page - no editing, which probably shows -
but sometimes i think we need to do that. just let it spill. say the words. feel the emotion.
today i do, feel a lot of emotion, and this is my healing.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

January writing promp..."I used to think..."

When I was young, I used to think that I had the power to compel people to change. I thought that if I loved hard enough, believed enough and prayed my guts out I’d have the ability to make change happen. In addition, my immaturity had me believing that change was easily rendered. I gave so little concrete regard to change in its true context, treating it as little more than a word, a wish, a prayer – change for myself and change in others.

I’ve grown though and always, isn’t life the best teacher? Similarly, through intense study and discussion (with my amazing women’s group), I’ve come to appreciate the true essence of change. I’ve gained insight into the fact that change and the power to do so resides only in the individual. No amount of wishing, hoping, “gently” manipulating or controlling will bring about change in another.

These days I find that I’m reminding myself often that the only one I have the power to change or to control is me. Expecting anything more than that is futile – wasted energy, wasted time. When it comes to dealing with the expectations of new outcomes, I look right in the mirror. And in dealing with people in my life that I have a difficult time with, that’s were I begin. That’s where I go – inside myself, with keen awareness that although I can’t change situations or the behaviors of others, I do have that control in how I react.

Transformation is impossible when applied to things which are out of my control, but when I apply it to me, transformation, change, is limitless. Sounds simple, but from a gal who has been known to be a bit of a control freak for the better part of her life, it’s not, hardly. But in identifying and understanding my lack of control regarding others I have found such peace. Likewise I’m finding that the change I was so hoping for tends to happen by osmosis – either I see things more clearly, or in a different way, or I remove myself from the situation or the individual I’m at odds with. And too I tend to give things to God and let him pick up where I leave off in frustration.

“Be the change you wish to see in the world.” Mahatma Ghandi’s quote dances ‘round my mind often. It’s not an easy practice, but with practice I’ve experienced an enormous sense of liberation - liberation from worrying about things and people I can’t fix – liberation from worrying about things and people that aren’t my business to fix. These days I’m minding my own business. Being the best that I can be and just letting go. I’d like to think I’ve become a better person for it – a better wife, mother, sister, and friend. I love, I pray, I let go and I let God. And you know what? In the end things work out exactly the way they were meant to be without any help from me.

Change is good, change is real.
Change happens when we're willing to do the work.
On ourselves, that is.

striving to do better, everyday...

Monday, January 10, 2011

although i've been quiet on the blogging front, as always, i think about writing. and when i think about writing, i think about writing as an inspiration. to me. to whomever reads me. i'm over my head with inspiration as this new year breezes in. inspired to be better, do better. in 24 hour increments. not take the whole "resolution" gig 20 pounds at a time, or 3 closets (of organization) at a time. but just day by day. some days i'll celebrate a bit more success, and other days not so much. but i won't beat myself up over it.

i know what i want for myself, and i intend to have it. my buzz word for the promises i've made to myself is "nonnegotiable." nonnegotiable as in, that's the deal - no excuses - you can't go back on the intentions you've set. i just keep thinking about that word, and the impact its had on me. nonnegotiable. this is it. i am so worthy of the agreements i've made with myself. you are too.

i get shivery happy at the promise of the dawn - 24 hours of new possibilities. 1,440 precious minutes to live in the moment. make positive choices for myself. to love. to smile. to be happy. to rejoice and give thanks. and to work, to go in the direction of my intentions.

my huz said it again just the other day when we were out walking - "i can always count on you to put a positive spin on things." that's me, as best i can i'm pretty positive. and i'm positive about the promises i've made to myself. the intentions i've set for myself in this new year. with each new day i'm positive that i'll keep those promises.

how are you doing with your promises? have you given up on yourself? don't. you deserve to live the life of your dreams. just take it a day at a time, and realize how lovely you are and how you so deserve your heart's desire. no matter what it is, if it's for you, then it's worth working for.

woo, heavy for just being back on the page. this is one of the things i want to do better at too. daily blogging. always, i'm all the better for it when i do.

wishing you lovely things
today and all the year through
one day at a time:)