but today i'm in sort of a melancholy frame of mind. achy (and i don't know why), moody (probably 'cuz i'm achy), too lazy for the gym (which is most likely the culprit for the aches and moody disposition). gazing out over my garden this morning, and while swatting swarms of relentless mosquitoes out for an early bite, i was moved by my feelings and thought wow! good idea for a post! and i have the benefit of another hour before i have to get ready for work.
what's heavy on my mind this morning is a disappointment. disappointment in myself that i always seem to be "starting over." starting fresh. the old "today is a new day and i'm going to keep my promises i made to myself" mantra. i asked myself, how many more times in your life are you going to start over? how many more times are you going to make promises to yourself, only to break them and suffer disappointment in yourself? aren't you stronger than that? if you can't keep promises to yourself, then what? if i can't be true to me, then can i really be true to anyone?
heavy stuff, i know. and i also know we all go through this, times like these. i'm tired though, tired of wanting to live my life better, healthier, more authentic to who i truly am, only to end up back at the starting line after a good stretch - a few days, weeks, maybe a month or two. i so long to be true to my words - words which are promises i make to myself. words spoken to my mind from my heart about who i am and how to honor that.
seems to me that today is a good place to start, once again. it's june the first. the sun's coming up. the air smells glorious...cool, summery, heavy with a mixed scent of dew and yesterday's rain. everything i'll ever need to make the changes in my life that i so long for is already right inside me. i don't want to keep repeating the same promises. i'm dog-tired of wishing for a life which i know for sure lies completely within my reach.
if only i believe in myself. believe enough to trust that i can do and be everything that my heart longs for me to be. to trust that i'm strong enough to overcome and surpass whatever might block my path. the path that leads to who i really am. deep inside i know...i'm far stronger than anything which might keep me from becoming that which my heart desires.
there now...the day feels better already. because i wrote. because i recognized promises i've made to myself which i haven't kept. because i shared that disappointment here. i know you've felt the same way many times too. i say let's make this real, today. take the first step in being all that you are meant to be. the you that is dictated by your heart, not by what's expected of you.
make it yours.
quotation - henry david thoreau
photo taken on an "artist's date"
i did that a few times last summer
just me and the camera
one more thing to add to the list:)