19 days winding down to 5, real quick...

it isn't just any birthday, but a milestone. the way i see it, if i haven't' got my #$%& together by the time i round fifty, then i'm going to quit hoping. that's not the way it is with me though. i'd like to think that i pretty much do have it together, for the most part.

there's always room for improvement though. a path in a better direction. i've anticipated this birthday everyday for the last 325 days or so. not in a bad way, but as a goal. i've written here on creating a list. didn't quite ever manage to do that, but that list is in my head, thoughts swimming around like goldfish in a bowl.

i'm down to the wire. no more time to waste. but then again, is there ever enough time to waste? waste no more, there's things i've got to take care of. things i've got to do. i'll jot them as they come to me, but here's a few just off the top of my head for today...

i wrote this 19 days ago

when i thought it was important

to make a list of things in my life

i needed to improve upon.

i've changed my mind about that.

we're always making lists, resolving, promising...

dangling hypothetical carrots before us

in an attempt to improve upon

what already is.

screw the carrots. to hell with the list.

i'm going to quit wasting time on "do better" lists.

we all should.

we're damn well good enough.

there are so many wonderful things about us,

yet all we focus on is the negative.

i hate negative.

a positive state of mind is my true nature.

how about a list of our accomplishments,

what we like about ourselves?

the part of us that is O-KAY

what a concept.

one thing i like about myself is that

i'm strong. emotionally, mentally.

strong to the point where i even surprise myself.

been through plenty of bullshit in my life

and have come out damn well for it.

know that there'll be plenty more down the road

but also know that my legs won't break.

i'll stand strong.

that's not to say there aren't moments when i cry my fool eyes out.

i do. then i grab a tissue, blow my nose,

and thank god that i'm still standing.

thank him mightily for cleansing tears

and the relief that comes after a good wash.

i always think about the me that my kids see.

the example that i set for them.

i know all too well that they're watching,

and as their mother, they need me strong.

they need to learn (through watching me?)

that instead of falling down flat and getting run over,

the road will rise to meet them.

if there's one lesson in life i've learned, it's just that.

every blessed thing that's happened to me, good, bad or otherwise

has made who i am today.

i have not become a victim. i am not a statistic.

i am a strong woman.

the child of a loving god.

i love my life - the good, bad, ugly all of it.

i am grateful for every lesson which my life experiences have taught me.

the most important lesson being

that i am no one's victim.

that in forgiveness we are made strong.

and i will survive.

the sun comes up every day and life goes on,

far too precious to waste on a bad memory

or a lesson gone unlearned.

i wouldn't trade one second of my life, not a second.

because of where i've been and where i have yet to go,

i am strong. i am me.

and i like that just fine.

seeing that fifty f-ing rocks...

-t.

the language? sometimes it just fits.

i'm not sorry for that either.

just being honest.

the photo? me, from another perspective

contemplative moments on a beach in maui